Grief can be an intensely painful experience that is emotionally, physically and mentally gruelling, so why would anyone not want to feel ok again? However, the experience of finding oneself feeling alright, even if it is just every now and then, can for some feel uncomfortable or even distressing.
The reasons people give for this are many and varied, so I will name just a few. Some see it as a sign we are moving on. People may view this as healthy, but if moving on feels like moving away from those who have died, this can be a difficult experience, stirring up even more feelings of loss. For others, grief can feel like connection to the loved one they have lost and why on earth would they want to break of even lessen that connection? Some might feel that the extent of their grief demonstrates the significance of the person who has died and the love they have for them, so stepping out of it, even momentarily, can feel wrong.
So, whilst feeling alright might bring relief, it may also be an understandably hard experience.
When it comes to theories and models of grief, they are useful if they help us and others to understand what we are experiencing. When they don’t, there is a risk that they make us feel isolated or even as if we are getting it wrong. So, when it comes to models, theories and advice, perhaps just try it on for size. If it fits (or helps), great. If it doesn’t, try something else. One frequently used model, which some clients have found helpful, is Tonkin’s model of Growing Around Grief – illustrated below.
What this suggests is that over time, life can grow and develop around our loss and grief which remain there, central and the same size. At first, life has very little other than loss; there is almost nowhere else we can be. Over time, whilst we may sometimes find ourselves slap bang in the middle of our loss, at other times we may find ourselves slap bang in the middle of something else. This does not, however, mean the loss has gone away. This can help us to understand how we may move forward in life, when the idea of ‘getting over’ our loss is ridiculous. It can, perhaps, also help in allowing us to feel more ok about feeling ok. Through the lens of Tonkin’s model, movement is perhaps seen not as a leaving behind but an expansion around; loss can still have central position. Neither does loss disappear or reduce; its size is static. It remains an important, significant part of our life and us. Therefore, whilst we may become able to step into the other elements of life- we may find ourselves feeling ok – we have not lost out loss. We have not left it behind. Nor has it lost its magnitude. It remains there, central, while life grows